Fast bowling - of orgasms and its mega porn star

"A middle stump dismissal by Shoaib Akhtar is better than a hundred million orgasms you fake."

Yesterday, when Shoaib Akhtar got Mahela Jayawardene neck and crop sending back his middle stump with a high 80 miles in-dipper, something transpired in me. Now you would be thinking I will be simply saying I had an orgasm (going by the topic of this post) and taking the piss on me which I'd understand since it won't make much sense of me putting up such a cliche; so no, I won't say that. But what I will try to put through you is that something inside me got completed; as a cricket fanatic, as a fuckin' wannabee tearaway quick. That sight of the timber being knocked backwards wreaked a tense feel through my body's neuromuscular set-up that had parallels with the ones I've been blessed by watching the very man and the few other showmen over the years.

Much on the Rawalpindi express (who is in its archaic days, yet still got enough steam to do its designated stations) later in the post, let's get down to what exactly are we talking about. A fast bowling orgasm? Seriously, yes. Its neither your conventional cricket term nor for which you'll find a definition in MCC manuals, Wisden Almanacks or any cricket books. However, I'll try to put my peace of mind through here in the best way possible. 

Jarrod Kimber once gave a mighty fine description of what a female orgasm is like in cricketing sense or how it can be circumscribed in its proximal best with fast bowling. 

Jump straight to 03:43 in the video and concentrate till 05:21 (You really don't need to care about the rest of the video). And try to get what he's on about.

You get him? He talks about a feel, the very moment when everything related to is perfect. Get your cricketing grey cells switched on and you'll connect with whatever he said there.

If you're a fast bowler or anywhere close to its definition, you'll know what it is like to do your perfect delivery. Its a dream, a utopian one which you want to actuate in the match. You can do hours and hours in nets perfecting it but when the stage arrives to execute it, it needs way more than a bucket load of iron wits, venomous mastery and balls of steel. All that to bring about the phase where you feel your genitalia moving and when you're at the peak of delivery, you feel it and you know, its done. Once it gets absorbed, you get into one of the most sublime refractory periods experienced and you don't feel the need for more stimulation. It is the purpose of your life.

"It gets your blood going, the adrenaline is pumping, you're in a fight. To me that's what cricket is all about." - Shoaib Akhtar

Monstrosity

You can hoop a batsman around, play with his patience, off stump, footing and whatever your talent and art makes you conjure up. Do it with the new ball; seam it with lateral movement and get on with the conventional swing. Or with the old ball; cutters and reverse swing. But to come up with something like that, needs the beast within yourself to wake up. A raging bull is what you need to be, a hungry badgered monster and a gnawing bulldog - making every guide of brutality and pain proud.

In the words of James Hatfield, its about riding the lightning and as Kings of Leon put it, its sex on fire.

Yo bitches, I got my own swagger

And who better to make you realize all this than the genetically modified beast that is the eternal comeback king - Shoaib Akhtar. The sweat pig who keeps pounding on the batsman with perennial zest, taking him to full throttle or bending him and doing it hard. That's what embodies belligerently hardcore fast bowling. And you either man the fuck up or go home. Monstrosity.

He is all about being the cocky show-stopper, enough to have your box office tickets bloody well worth.

Royal Rumble - Come to mama!

For me, he will remain the ultimate porn star of this game. Right from his first appearance in late 97' till today, it is almost 14 years of non-fizzling pop and incessant fetish for him. Be it him thundering batsmen with 100 mph grenades, pulverize their heads, bodies and toes or being caught up in off-field gags, he epitomizes the rebellion and the violent child in each of us. He signifies freedom, defies norms and has been (or maybe forced to be) the ideal societal outcast. Akhtar is the wounded being who has had more comebacks in his career than seen in any of the WWE 90s classic summer-slams.

Apart from this being his last World Cup, it may very well be his last ODI series; hence a swan song worth living through. This is to the 35 year old superhuman amalgamated with the hyper-extensive anatomy, plethora of controversies and endless medical anecdotes for some of the visceral fast bowling orgasms that he has made the world experience over a decade and a half.

I may not do full justice here but some of the selections are as dear as anything in cricket for me and are at times, the best remedy for depression (also if wasting nights for these YouTube clips, saving photos on your hard drive, air-bowling in his style and then doing it in nets can be termed as part of being a fan). Note that this can hardly be called a tribute of any form to this enigmatic specie of world cricket. And for an intimate piece of writing that could be honest to him, one would need to do countless nights and eat up all the light years. Also, here its more of a focus on the mastery and art that he has displayed over the years rather than the morbid missiles which knock the face off his preys and have them bleeding. Yes, shattered timbers and the sight which a fast bowling addict dies for, is what we'll concentrate and waste ourselves here on.

The show stopping montage by the beast

My top 5 picks are Sachin 99', Ponting 02', Kallis 03', Trott 10' and yesterday's Mahela. And I proudly call this the Hall of shame. All have either their middle stump pinged back or lying on the floor. Above all, the first 3 are undoubtedly the greatest batters of their era with the other two being world-class performers too.

Special mentions to Boucher 98', Laxman 99' & 04', Steve Waugh 99', Flintoff 05', Dravid's 07'.

Let's get wasted!

I. Rahul Dravid's leg stump and Sachin Tendulkar's middle, Kolkata '99

First ball, base of middle stump, culminating in the first and the only golden duck of Sachin. The deafening welcome and the bullring noise of Calcutta turned into the endless moments of pin-drop silence. The birth of Shoaib Akhtar.

This is where it all started, in actuality. A hot blistering day, with India in charge at 147-1, he came up with arguably two of the greatest consecutive deliveries bowled in the game's history. As much as the banana-shaped one which got Dravid is an eternal ripper, the one to the batting god of his time is which basically has all this talk based on and which initiated a love story so passionate that even God hasn't had enough of it after more than a decade of break ups, fuckalls, disasters and whatever tragedy you can associate it with.

II. Jacques Kallis, Faisalabad '03

Four years later in October heat of 2003, he gave the doze to another great of his era, bending the white ball with divine touch, brutal force and classic execution.

III. Ponting knocked over by a rippa! - Melbourne (Docklands) '02

Don't want to spoil this for you since Bill Lawry's reaction should be enough. This man was at his prime then, nothing was impossible for him. Ended up with 5-25 in one of the best ever spells seen in modern ODI history.

IV. Jonathan Trott, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '10

If his latest comeback could be summarized in any better dismissal than this, do let me know since this is where he personified what his post June-2010 resurgence has been all about. Playing in 18 ODIs (and counting) and more than a dozen T20s, all without breaking down; with a stamping attitude of a shrewd fox and a senior statesman of the team. Stats may not do full justice to this return in the colored flannels but plays like this scream of his box office aura that is still there.

V. Mahela Jayawardene, Colombo '11

This just happened yesterday, so it couldn't be anymore fresh than this. This was special, really was.

Picture this - Brought back in his 2nd spell in need of a desperate breakthrough with two of the world's best batsmen at the crease (Mahela & Sangakkara), he produces a masterclass. Sets him up with a slower cutter, then a bouncer outside off, then this length in-dipper. Perfect foreplay and immaculate execution. Talk about telling who still is the boss out there.

- Rahul Dravid, Delhi '07

In the fading end of his test career and his last series vs India in 2007-08 season, he once again produced a corker. Pitching on length around off, jagging back and getting through the gate of arguably the best copy-book batsman of his era, Rahul Dravid The Wall. Though it didn't exactly knock back the middle stump, however the mastery of his producing it with the end result makes it worth to remember.

And the rest are all yours (Tried putting them in order of his career timeline).

- First 5 wicket haul (4 bowled, 1 LBW) at Durban, '98. Boucher one is special. 'Nuff said.

- VVS Laxman, Kolkata '99

- Russel Arnold, Dhaka '99

- Steve Waugh, Headingley WC '99

- Stephen Fleming, Old Trafford WC '99

- Nathan Astle, Old Trafford WC '99

- 6-11 against New Zealand, Lahore '02

5 clean bowleds. Richardson, Fleming and Martin with middle stump uprooted, Harris and Horne with their off stump done with. Does it get any more breath-taking than this?

- Adam Gilchrist, Colombo '02

- Mark Boucher, Faisalabad '03

- Mark Boucher, Lahore '03

- Virender Sehwag, Rawalpindi '04

- VVS Laxman, Lahore '04

- Marcus Trescothick, Faisalabad '05

- Freddie Flintoff, Faisalabad '05

- Ashley Giles, Multan '05

- Marcus Trescothick, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '06

- Darren Gough, Lord's '06

And what would this post mean without few of his stills.

Sachin, Kolkata '99 - The ultimate frame Hallelujah! The Chosen One World Cup 1999 - The Showman setting the biggest stage alight

Cleaning up Astle at Old Trafford WC '99 - Dead and buried

Merciless and hardcore brutal. Kallis being rooted out - Faisalabad '03 I do you in your hood - Showing Hayden where to go (Perth, Dec '03) Ripping Sehwag's defense apart at Rawalpindi, '04 Laxman, Rawalpindi '04 - Middle to be seen nowhere. Breakneck stuff.

In between all this, just a small matter off crossing the 100 mph barrier. Did it more than once.

Trescothick, Faisalabad '05 - Too good, mate. Just bloody too good.

Flintoff, Faisalabad '05 - Absolute peach. Stumps flying.  What a fuckin' sight! Ah well. just routine destruction vigil - Giles, Multan 05'

Speeding more than light The very first ball of the match. Gets Trescothick with an inswinging yorker at Rose Bowl '06 Dalaymple, Cardiff '06 - With arms wide open. Another photographer delight. This time Goughy - Lord's '06 The exocet that brought down The Wall - Delhi '07 And then on his recent and possibly final comeback.. Inswinging yorker to Trott under lights, amidst a spell in which he did 8 consecutive overs. I was right there in the West stand. Dream come true watching him do it at Brit Oval, Sept '10 Say who's the boss? Dose repeated. Doing Trott again, this time at Southampton '10 Imma gonna rip your fuckin' balls off! Scotty gets a reminder you got to treat the boss with respect - Eden Park, Dec '10 Jayawardene, Colombo '11 - Come with my gun smokin', you can smell death Yo! Look at me, and tell me ain't I still the daddy? And then he keeps doing this even at almost 36 years of age (Though there's the word of the speed gun going bonkers but whatever the fuck, ya'll know he's capable of pulling this off) p.s. This imbecile blog owes its conception and existence to this very theme/topic and considers Shoaib Akhtar to be the godfather of all bloody badass motherfuckers in the world of cricket. Some day when this monster decides to call it a day, this web space may also breathe its last. And even if it won't, it will always take special honor to have anything worthy related to Akhtar out here. Long live, this holy son of Morgah. p.s. II. Since this post has had an overwhelming response in the first 24 hours of its being up, I would like to link up this brief video shot by me at The Brit Oval, last summer when he bowled a fitness-proving spell of 8 overs on the trot, just to give a bit of more eye-candy to all fellow Shoaiby maniacs. It was some experience to see him run in relentlessly, most probably the last time I may have ever seen him live.

The Great Debates - Wasim Akram vs Waqar Younis

As the name goes, these are supposed to be few attempts in which we will dare to profess two parallel greats of specific eras and try to contemplate on their sheer greatness and ultimately, make an immortal attempt to compare them. It must be foretold that these attempts may be flawed and not satisfy every follower of the game who was/is enthralled by those greats.

In this first study, we pick two of the greatest fast bowlers the game of cricket was ever graced with. They were a duo for whom every accolade that is humanly possible has been put forward, before whom even their greatest critics and conspirators had to bow and the legacies and aura of whom still make up the game played today. Words fall short in all honesty to define their greatness, hence we'll simply start this off. Its a humble take on the Ws, Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis.

What basically started as a random twitter chat on one fine October night about the two W's by me, Sana Kazmi and Faran Ghumman ultimately transformed into some factual and statistical debate. Sana Kazmi casually quoted Imran Khan, the godfather of Pakistan cricket, who termed Wasim as the one who gave up too soon out of the two Ws, and then what followed is the basis of this venture, and which was then further discussed through e-mails and also a respected input from Subash Jayaraman. And with me being a self-proclaimed greatest fan of Wasim bhai, this was bound to be a bit interesting.

Back to the theme, let me clarify that to aptly analyse the greatness of the two Ws is next-to-impossible as every proper cricket follower would know; hence, this debate consists of only specific points and considerations. Also, we are only analysing the test match careers of them here, and if ODIs were to be done too then whatever follows here wouldn't ever be able to be jotted down too.

Since the main talk revolved around the 'effectiveness' of the two, there were some arguments given. which were countered. In the following, I have quoted and summarized the emails and various points in consideration to the best of my abilities. 

I. In Pakistan & Subcontinent

My point of Wasim's career Strike-Rate (SR) being less than Waqar's owed to the fact that he bowled more in the flat subcontinents pitches than Waqar, hence his SR was bound to be affected more. Sana takes my point and hits back with the following:

Percentage of overs in Pakistan
Waqar 1046.4 out of 2704 -> 38.6%
Wasim 1312 out of 3771 -> 34.8%
So Wasim bowled only 4% more of his overs in Pakistan than Waqar did, which you would have to agree, is too small difference to account for a difference in their overall strike-rates of more than 10 (Waqar's 43.4 vs. Wasim's 54.6). Even if you don't agree with that, your argument is basically that Wasim has worse stats because he bowled on pitches less suited to fast bowling - in which case you must extend the analysis to the entire sub-continent, not just Pakistan. 

Percentage of overs bowled in the sub-continent (Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, India, UAE*)
Waqar 1370/2704 -> 50.6%
Wasim 1887.2/3771.1 -> 50 %

When you compare the percentage of their overs bowled throughout the sub-continent, it's the same! (In fact, if I was being anal, I'd say Waqar actually bowled .6% more of his overs on flat pitches.

Though I'll admit that the kind of bowler Wasim was made him less suited to dead tracks than Waqar with his extreme pace, I don't really believe in comparing bowlers on where they've bowled if they're from the same team. Unless there's a huge difference in the no. of overs, it evens out more or less. (Of course in Wasim and Waqar's case I would say it did in their case, it evened out completely, but that's unusual).

*Wasim never played a Test in the UAE

My take:

As I said, Waqar bettered Wasim in subcontinent mainly because they played most of the games vs Ind, SL, WI, NZ, Zim (with which we won almost very series,a nd they weren't the best of teams, lets be honest).
And they played hardly any v Aus and SA (which were unarguably the best teams of that era- late 80s and whole of 90s). Lets see some stats in this regard.

First, take Waqar in Pakistan.
Team   Matches   Wkts
NZ         5              35
SL         8              31
Zim        7              41
WI         5              24

Total      25            131
Waqar played 33 matches in Pak. Hence, 25/33 is a large proportion!

Now, Wasim in Pakistan.
Team   Matches   Wkts
NZ         2              10
SL         10             28
Zim        6               28
WI         8               43  

Total      26            109
Wasim played 41 of his 104 matches in Pak.

So, we can see Waqar has more wickets, better average and SR against these low ranked teams of that era. Which ultimately helped him getting a better avg and SR at home & subcontinent than Wasim.

Wasim v Aus+SA took 21 wkts in 6 games.
Waqar v Aus+SA took 14 wkts in 4 games.

So this shows they were almost equal against the top 2 teams of their era, sadly they played too less at home to properly analyse who was better against the top teams.

II. Against the best team (Aus) of their era.

My next point is on who was better in the country that mattered the most. Yes, in Australia and vs Australia too.
 

And Wasim wins it comfortably, in all depts- wickets, average and SR.

v Aus           Matches     Wickets   Average    SR  

Wasim           13             50           25.7          59.8  
Waqar           12             30           33.8          62.7

in Aus
Wasim            9               36          24.0           58.0    
Waqar            7               14          40.5           81.4  

So, in Aus and v Aus, Wasim was the daddy.

III. Against the top teams of their era.

Another major point, which should give a fair idea of who was better overall wkts/match and avg wise v the other top teams in their era. I'm taking SA, Eng, Ind and WI (WI because they were tough till 97', at least)

First, Waqar.
Team            Matches        Wickets    Average    SR      Wkts/match
SA                  7                    23           28.7      50.6         3.2
Eng                11                   50           27.0      48.5         4.5
Ind                  4                     8            47.0      80.2         2
WI                 13                   55           23.3      36.6         4.2

Now, Wasim.
Team            Matches        Wickets    Average    SR      Wkts/match
SA                   4                  13            29.7      65.0          3.2
Eng                18                   57           30.6      69.8          3.2
Ind                 12                   45           29.8      65.0          3.75
WI                 17                   79           20.8      44.9          4.6

Against NZ and SL, both were equally good (almost inseparable stats-wise).

By above stats, we see:
Wasim bettering Waqar in Wkts/Match by 2-1.
Waqar bettering Wasim in SR by 3-1 while Avg-wise, both are 2-2.

So, its basically evens stevens in those stars. Saying any one of them was better than the other would be stupid, so I would like you all to focus on the first 2 points that I detailed, esp, v Aus and in Aus. 

IV. Longevity 

Subash pointed out that "You need to have longevity to get in to any sort of All time XI. In terms of SR and Average, there isn't much to choose between the two, in which case, you have to go with overall skill set and longevity and hence, I go with Wasim."

When looking at the two W's in matches that Pakistan won:

Wasim played 104 tests; Won: 41

Total wkts 414; In matches won: 211 at 18.48 average.

Waqar played 87 tests; Won: 39.

Total wkts 373; In matches won: 222 at 18.20 average.

By this stat, Waqar could be termed slighty more "effective" but Wasim had longevity.

V. The eight-year period (1990-1997) & few other astounding stats.

This cricinfo stats analysis by S Rajesh tells a lot about the two W's, their dominance in the cricket world, Wasim edging Waqar in few areas and more. There is hardly any difference in Wasim and Waqar as go the performance during those 8 years (Wasim has the better avg and Waqar has the better SR), yet no one in the game was better than them, and here we are talking about an era of the game which saw the likes of McGrath, Warne, Donald, Ambrose etc.

The most vital factor I want to press here is the MOTM (Man of the match) frequency Wasim had. During these eight years, Akram was Man of the Match in 12 of the 48 Tests he played, an incredible average of one every four games. And even in his whole career, his frequency 17 MOTM out of 104 matches is the best in the game's history. So, if there was any question of being 'effective' and to influence the matches, I don't think there can be any more comprehensive argument than this.

Conclusion? Honestly, Impossible.

Having discussed all this, even though I've tried my best to put more weight in Wasim bhai's half, I'm of the opinion that it will forever remain an impossible task to edge one of them over the other in most of the areas/aspects. Individually, they were an entire world within themselves. Sheer masters of new and old ball, absolute gods of swing and a lifetime phenomenon to witness.

Subash has a liking for Wasim bhai and fittingly says, "Also, I think a lot of the times people some times get influenced by the ODI performances in their overall judgement of the players. Of course, Wasim was a stud and leading wicket taker there as well, but the brutality and devastation of Waqar's inswinging yorkers could swing some arguments.

As long as we keep those two separate -- i don't think its as close as the stats seem to indicate. Wasim was born to bowl. So raw when he came on, but quickly became the stud that he was for the longest time.

P.S. To this day, I remember watching the 92 finals on a grainy screen at a friend's house. I was 15 then. Old enough to understand the game and the players playing it. Still cannot comprehend how he turned the game on its head with those 3 balls."

Sana puts in one her emails: "Wasim obviously had more variety, and hence - you would think - more skill, and was just... special. Without needing to be express. And it's incredible that he was diagnosed with diabetes at 26 and still looked like he was at his peak till 31 or so. Plus two very different kind of bowlers, so not really fair to compare. And, like I was telling, I think this whole exercise of picking an all-time XI is really dumb. (Gideon Haigh wrote a great article on Cricinfo on why it's futile to do so). "

My drift is understandably towards Wasim Akram, for various other reasons; the one which should suffice here would that he has been my boyhood inspiration and forever will remain. Watching him was like seeing a god turn his left arm over, do the divine and then celebrate. Having said that, make no bones crack, I would die a dozen times if I was told I would be able to see Waqar Younis in his pomp live again. There were and will be hardly any better sights in the game then a Waqar's toe-crushing yorker. For Waqar's fans and all those interested in this read, here is a really scintillating piece by Alex Bowden (click the weblink).

All said, I believe we haven't and won't ever be able to do justice with such comparisons or analysis, because some legends and there comparisons in cricket are incomprehensible. To do any justice, here we go with a mini-reminder of what these two of the proudest sons of Pakistan were like:

Any comments and views on this and any personal takes would be appreciated. Much thanks.