The 10 Commandments of Shahid Afridi

For the love of the one and only, Lala.

1. Thou shall eat the forbidden cherry, whilst pirouetting your spikes on the pitch

Despite 30-odd cameras zooming in on you, the horniness shouldn't subside. I don’t ask where I can find caulk for my brains for such grand tomfoolery, I provide it myself. Zidane took inspiration from me, just to put it straight.

See what Hitler had to say about it here and here.

2. Thou shall never age and still be the motherfuckin' sweet 16

Your second generation will be air-bowling in TV lounges and your abs may ache over this immortal reality, but I’ll still be the ageless wonder. Blame my 6 year old late birth certificate or immortal age-reversal cream usage; I don’t give a damn.

Courtesy: Bored Cricket

3. Thou shall drop your milk nurser and retire randomly

Of course, you all know I do this every second day. Only thing that matches this non-Inzydental faux pas is the frequency of putting my fingers through my hair locks. The mantra is simple: if I don’t feel horny for it, I call it a day; then when I’m done with my soul-suffocation, I’m back in the ring. Voila!

And no, its not an ADHD symptom.

4. Thou shall perpetually implement “Chakka qanoon da” (Six is the law)

It’s been there since I held that willow in my hand and will forever be a relic from my Afridi tribe. Even if the next ball is a dismissal via an ugly slog or a contemptuous charge, my wicket makes me the epitome of indecipherable nuisance.

And even if all the booming makes me a bloodthirsty holy satan (Exhibit: mini-bloodbath at Lord's).

5. Thou shall be the most romantic man in the game’s history

“Hit me with your rhythm stick, its nice to be a lunatic.” Imagine watching cricket without my PDAs and you know you will instantly switch to footy or netball. Kallis felt it, even Fidel Edwards had the scent of it. Besides, I have a penchant for the cheeks of my own lads, ask Akmal or Shoaib Mirza. I am cricket’s PG-rated dominatrix.

6. Thou shall speaketh 10 phrases in one English sentence

You may fall off your chair, throw up, or have a relentless asthma attack, but the incessant mix of ‘thanks God, thanks boys, thanks crowd [sic]‘ must not relent. It’s the same chronic rush that does rounds in my head when I have the bat in my hand, and will only stop when my boys hand me some cyanide pills.

They call it my bloody attention span.

7. Thou shall affectionately address my boys

Don’t get me wrong here, it’s my brotherly love for them, be it nonchalantly calling Hafeez a gandu (asshole) and a chutiya (twat), or sizing up Yasir Hameed’s mental age as that of a 15 year old. Neither will any social etiquette course better me nor would any meth-sponsored literacy campaign help, its just the Shahid bhai way.

8. Thou shall forever ridicule Miandad’s ‘shingal doubal’ mantra

That senile bloke doesn’t seem to get it even after my ‘sexually frustrated toddler’ shenanigans over the past 14 years. I just don’t have the thing for ‘singles’ or ‘doubles’. So all you geriatric coaches, managers and seniors, get this straight: its either the Afridi Playstation way, or the highway.

9. Thou shall work in every single TV commercial

From selling rice to being ditched by a hottie for Shoaib Mirza, you know I have done it all. Got to tell you, my silky strands have been a favorite man fetish for Head & Shoulders. They say my recent ad for a UK claims company has landed 300+ false claimants behind bars. And the Boom Boom merchandize is not my brainchild, I'll sue those bastards. Don’t blame me, yaar!

10. Thou shall keep encapsulating Pakistan cricket in the grandest way

Expect me to be your gargantuan letdown one day and the werewolf you love on another. The mercurial swagger contained; the whimsical aura oozing; the cornered tiger personified, I have called the shots and I will until the day Afridi tells Afridi it’s time to pack.

- This was first published here at Alternative Cricket, a trend-setting website aimed to fight the orthodox cricket writings and has initiatives for the betterment of the game (proceeds from their book go towards Afghan youth cricket scholarship).