Sunday, February 27, 2011

Fast bowling - of orgasms and its mega porn star

"A middle stump dismissal by Shoaib Akhtar is better than a hundred million orgasms you fake."

Yesterday, when Shoaib Akhtar got Mahela Jayawardene neck and crop sending back his middle stump with a high 80 miles in-dipper, something transpired in me. Now you would be thinking I will be simply saying I had an orgasm (going by the topic of this post) and taking the piss on me which I'd understand since it won't make much sense of me putting up such a cliche; so no, I won't say that. But what I will try to put through you is that something inside me got completed; as a cricket fanatic, as a fuckin' wannabee tearaway quick. That sight of the timber being knocked backwards wreaked a tense feel through my body's neuromuscular set-up that had parallels with the ones I've been blessed by watching the very man and the few other showmen over the years.

Much on the Rawalpindi express (who is in its archaic days, yet still got enough steam to do its designated stations) later in the post, let's get down to what exactly are we talking about. A fast bowling orgasm? Seriously, yes. Its neither your conventional cricket term nor for which you'll find a definition in MCC manuals, Wisden Almanacks or any cricket books. However, I'll try to put my peace of mind through here in the best way possible. 

Jarrod Kimber once gave a mighty fine description of what a female orgasm is like in cricketing sense or how it can be circumscribed in its proximal best with fast bowling. 
Jump straight to 03:43 in the video and concentrate till 05:21 (You really don't need to care about the rest of the video). And try to get what he's on about.

You get him? He talks about a feel, the very moment when everything related to is perfect. Get your cricketing grey cells switched on and you'll connect with whatever he said there.

If you're a fast bowler or anywhere close to its definition, you'll know what it is like to do your perfect delivery. Its a dream, a utopian one which you want to actuate in the match. You can do hours and hours in nets perfecting it but when the stage arrives to execute it, it needs way more than a bucket load of iron wits, venomous mastery and balls of steel. All that to bring about the phase where you feel your genitalia moving and when you're at the peak of delivery, you feel it and you know, its done. Once it gets absorbed, you get into one of the most sublime refractory periods experienced and you don't feel the need for more stimulation. It is the purpose of your life.

"It gets your blood going, the adrenaline is pumping, you're in a fight. To me that's what cricket is all about." - Shoaib Akhtar

You can hoop a batsman around, play with his patience, off stump, footing and whatever your talent and art makes you conjure up. Do it with the new ball; seam it with lateral movement and get on with the conventional swing. Or with the old ball; cutters and reverse swing. But to come up with something like that, needs the beast within yourself to wake up. A raging bull is what you need to be, a hungry badgered monster and a gnawing bulldog - making every guide of brutality and pain proud.

In the words of James Hatfield, its about riding the lightning and as Kings of Leon put it, its sex on fire.

Yo bitches, I got my own swagger
And who better to make you realize all this than the genetically modified beast that is the eternal comeback king - Shoaib Akhtar. The sweat pig who keeps pounding on the batsman with perennial zest, taking him to full throttle or bending him and doing it hard. That's what embodies belligerently hardcore fast bowling. And you either man the fuck up or go home. Monstrosity.

He is all about being the cocky show-stopper, enough to have your box office tickets bloody well worth.

Royal Rumble - Come to mama!
For me, he will remain the ultimate porn star of this game. Right from his first appearance in late 97' till today, it is almost 14 years of non-fizzling pop and incessant fetish for him. Be it him thundering batsmen with 100 mph grenades, pulverize their heads, bodies and toes or being caught up in off-field gags, he epitomizes the rebellion and the violent child in each of us. He signifies freedom, defies norms and has been (or maybe forced to be) the ideal societal outcast. Akhtar is the wounded being who has had more comebacks in his career than seen in any of the WWE 90s classic summer-slams.

Apart from this being his last World Cup, it may very well be his last ODI series; hence a swan song worth living through. This is to the 35 year old superhuman amalgamated with the hyper-extensive anatomy, plethora of controversies and endless medical anecdotes for some of the visceral fast bowling orgasms that he has made the world experience over a decade and a half.

I may not do full justice here but some of the selections are as dear as anything in cricket for me and are at times, the best remedy for depression (also if wasting nights for these YouTube clips, saving photos on your hard drive, air-bowling in his style and then doing it in nets can be termed as part of being a fan). Note that this can hardly be called a tribute of any form to this enigmatic specie of world cricket. And for an intimate piece of writing that could be honest to him, one would need to do countless nights and eat up all the light years. Also, here its more of a focus on the mastery and art that he has displayed over the years rather than the morbid missiles which knock the face off his preys and have them bleeding. Yes, shattered timbers and the sight which a fast bowling addict dies for, is what we'll concentrate and waste ourselves here on.

The show stopping montage by the beast
My top 5 picks are Sachin 99', Ponting 02', Kallis 03', Trott 10' and yesterday's Mahela. And I proudly call this the Hall of shame. All have either their middle stump pinged back or lying on the floor. Above all, the first 3 are undoubtedly the greatest batters of their era with the other two being world-class performers too.

Special mentions to Boucher 98', Laxman 99' & 04', Steve Waugh 99', Flintoff 05', Dravid's 07'.

Let's get wasted!

I. Rahul Dravid's leg stump and Sachin Tendulkar's middle, Kolkata '99

First ball, base of middle stump, culminating in the first and the only golden duck of Sachin. The deafening welcome and the bullring noise of Calcutta turned into the endless moments of pin-drop silence. The birth of Shoaib Akhtar.

This is where it all started, in actuality. A hot blistering day, with India in charge at 147-1, he came up with arguably two of the greatest consecutive deliveries bowled in the game's history. As much as the banana-shaped one which got Dravid is an eternal ripper, the one to the batting god of his time is which basically has all this talk based on and which initiated a love story so passionate that even God hasn't had enough of it after more than a decade of break ups, fuckalls, disasters and whatever tragedy you can associate it with.

II. Jacques Kallis, Faisalabad '03

Four years later in October heat of 2003, he gave the doze to another great of his era, bending the white ball with divine touch, brutal force and classic execution.

III. Ponting knocked over by a rippa! - Melbourne (Docklands) '02

Don't want to spoil this for you since Bill Lawry's reaction should be enough. This man was at his prime then, nothing was impossible for him. Ended up with 5-25 in one of the best ever spells seen in modern ODI history.

IV. Jonathan Trott, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '10

If his latest comeback could be summarized in any better dismissal than this, do let me know since this is where he personified what his post June-2010 resurgence has been all about. Playing in 18 ODIs (and counting) and more than a dozen T20s, all without breaking down; with a stamping attitude of a shrewd fox and a senior statesman of the team. Stats may not do full justice to this return in the colored flannels but plays like this scream of his box office aura that is still there.

V. Mahela Jayawardene, Colombo '11

This just happened yesterday, so it couldn't be anymore fresh than this. This was special, really was.

Picture this - Brought back in his 2nd spell in need of a desperate breakthrough with two of the world's best batsmen at the crease (Mahela & Sangakkara), he produces a masterclass. Sets him up with a slower cutter, then a bouncer outside off, then this length in-dipper. Perfect foreplay and immaculate execution. Talk about telling who still is the boss out there.

- Rahul Dravid, Delhi '07

In the fading end of his test career and his last series vs India in 2007-08 season, he once again produced a corker. Pitching on length around off, jagging back and getting through the gate of arguably the best copy-book batsman of his era, Rahul Dravid The Wall. Though it didn't exactly knock back the middle stump, however the mastery of his producing it with the end result makes it worth to remember.

And the rest are all yours (Tried putting them in order of his career timeline).

- First 5 wicket haul (4 bowled, 1 LBW) at Durban, '98. Boucher one is special. 'Nuff said.

- VVS Laxman, Kolkata '99

- Russel Arnold, Dhaka '99

- Steve Waugh, Headingley WC '99

- Stephen Fleming, Old Trafford WC '99

- Nathan Astle, Old Trafford WC '99

- 6-11 against New Zealand, Lahore '02

5 clean bowleds. Richardson, Fleming and Martin with middle stump uprooted, Harris and Horne with their off stump done with. Does it get any more breath-taking than this?

- Adam Gilchrist, Colombo '02

- Mark Boucher, Faisalabad '03

- Mark Boucher, Lahore '03

- Virender Sehwag, Rawalpindi '04

- VVS Laxman, Lahore '04

- Marcus Trescothick, Faisalabad '05

- Freddie Flintoff, Faisalabad '05

- Ashley Giles, Multan '05

- Marcus Trescothick, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '06

- Darren Gough, Lord's '06

And what would this post mean without few of his stills.

Sachin, Kolkata '99 - The ultimate frame
Hallelujah! The Chosen One
World Cup 1999 - The Showman setting the biggest stage alight
Cleaning up Astle at Old Trafford WC '99 - Dead and buried
Merciless and hardcore brutal. Kallis being rooted out - Faisalabad '03
I do you in your hood - Showing Hayden where to go (Perth, Dec '03)
Ripping Sehwag's defense apart at Rawalpindi, '04
Laxman, Rawalpindi '04 - Middle to be seen nowhere. Breakneck stuff.
In between all this, just a small matter off crossing the 100 mph barrier. Did it more than once.
Trescothick, Faisalabad '05 - Too good, mate. Just bloody too good.
Flintoff, Faisalabad '05 - Absolute peach. Stumps flying. 
What a fuckin' sight! Ah well. just routine destruction vigil - Giles, Multan 05'
Speeding more than light
The very first ball of the match. Gets Trescothick with an inswinging yorker at Rose Bowl '06
Dalaymple, Cardiff '06 - With arms wide open.
Another photographer delight. This time Goughy - Lord's '06
The exocet that brought down The Wall - Delhi '07
And then on his recent and possibly final comeback..
Inswinging yorker to Trott under lights, amidst a spell in which he did 8 consecutive overs. I was right there in the West stand. Dream come true watching him do it at Brit Oval, Sept '10
Say who's the boss? Dose repeated. Doing Trott again, this time at Southampton '10
Imma gonna rip your fuckin' balls off!
Scotty gets a reminder you got to treat the boss with respect - Eden Park, Dec '10
Jayawardene, Colombo '11 - Come with my gun smokin', you can smell death
Yo! Look at me, and tell me ain't I still the daddy?
And then he keeps doing this even at almost 36 years of age (Though there's the word of the speed gun going bonkers but whatever the fuck, ya'll know he's capable of pulling this off)
p.s. This imbecile blog owes its conception and existence to this very theme/topic and considers Shoaib Akhtar to be the godfather of all bloody badass motherfuckers in the world of cricket. Some day when this monster decides to call it a day, this web space may also breathe its last. And even if it won't, it will always take special honor to have anything worthy related to Akhtar out here. Long live, this holy son of Morgah.

p.s. II. Since this post has had an overwhelming response in the first 24 hours of its being up, I would like to link up this brief video shot by me at The Brit Oval, last summer when he bowled a fitness-proving spell of 8 overs on the trot, just to give a bit of more eye-candy to all fellow Shoaiby maniacs. It was some experience to see him run in relentlessly, most probably the last time I may have ever seen him live.


Faran Ghumman said...

Dude, You are crazy

LOVE IT!!!!! Akhtarrrrrrrrr 161.3

Anonymous said...

this is the greatest thing ever done to shoaib akhtarrr!!! all these videos and photos... what a delight!!!

sarmad sohail said...

massud bhai....u r a me..thanks alot.thanks alot...for al dis....take a bow bhai jan :)

Amer Malik said...

You are the Da Vinci of cricket porn commentary!

Yamin said...

great tribute bro , nows that how you honour a true legend , topp stuff

Anonymous said...

Job well done mate, Bravo for such a good compilation.

sachinist said...

"A middle stump dismissal by Shoaib Akhtar is better than a hundred million orgasms you fake."

hahahaa.. you got to be this man's craziest fanboy, hehe

Raza said...

i'm a little jealous that you beat me to a shoaib akhtar post, but i suppose you left to door further study.

you know what still pisses me off? when, after sachin '99, tony greig says "well I suppose no delivery is unplayable, but that was a beauty."
I always wanna be like, "listen ass-wipe, if the greatest exponent of the art of batting is unable to respond in any meaningful way to a delivery that by any rational third party judgement was designed to and succeeded in defeating the celestial talent and reflex of the aforementioned-- that's dictionary fucking definition unplayable... way to fuck up the legacy of that delivery for millions of youtube masturbaters for generations to come [pun intended]"

tracerbullet007 said...

there have been plenty of speedsters over the last few years....lee, bond, steyn....but no one else knocks down the stumps like akhtar! he is a visceral delight, especially when he takes of on his celebratory run...

Baba said...

What a wonderful compilation. Well written Masuud.

SOS said...

Is that all you could find? No more videos of him cleaning batsmen up and photo shots? Hehe..
This is just brilliant use of web space and the perfect time consumption for a cricket crazy. Great great flashback or whatever you can call it... He still got it, wish him all the best to finish off this world cup in grand style.

Shiraz Hassan said...

Hats off to both of ya!!

Haider16 said...

This is the greatest collection of Shoaib Akhtar awesomness ever. Makes you appreciate Akhtar even though it more often a love/hate relationship.
14 = legend

karachikhatmal said...

brilliant work masuud!

in a sense, the sort of heroes at least our generation of pakistani fans have are very difficult to relate to other fans. how can we be crazy for lala, with his abominable average and penchant for self-implosion? how can we venerate shaiby, what with all the shenanigans and the criminal number of matches he's missed? how can you call these players valuable, let alone people to look up and idolise?

and yet, your post sums its up succinctly. its the pure visceral pleasure they provide. nothing else compares to the high of watching stumps fly and the man nicknamed after a fictional locomotive pretend to take off like an aeroplane. and we all are desperate addicts, forever waiting for the next fix.

(PS when i wrote the script for the film you linked to, the intention was to explain a female orgasm by creating an analogy with a jaffa, or an unplayable delivery that seems to be futile because it doesn't get a wicket. i think the shaiby stump shatterings are perhaps a more suitable analogy for the male orgasm, what with all the exploding phallic objects :) )

Khaled Saifullah said...

Feeling lucky to read this one. Tremendous work, buddy.

Masuud said...

Faran, Anon, Sarmad, Amer bhai, Yamin, Sachinist, Baba, SOS, Shiraz, Haider, Khaled - Many thanks for such feedbacks. Really appreciate all this :)

Masuud said...

TraceBullet007 - Couldn't agree more. Probably Steyn, Lee, Bond didn't/don't ooze with a brutal aura or something that's way too rough to come up with. We all know its sometimes just what we want.

Raza - Haha, Thanks for that. I guess you could still cover other aspects of Shoaib since I believe he's got more than what I tried to put here. Can't bring my head around thinking what will it be like when he finally hangs his boots.
And loved that description for that one delivery of the Ind-Pak current generation :)

Masuud said...

KarachiKhatmal - You Ahmer sir, have a lot to play in this creation of the post. That very video, even though how much you can take away its perception from my head, was a key factor. One day when I'll meet Jrod, I'll give him a hug just for that description. You are right as far as connecting all this stumps carnage with a male holy session is concerned (maybe I should've tried to play around it more when I did my input after Jrod's video).

And I guess, you couldn't have bettered the notion behind all this effort of mine anymore than the words on the legacy of Lala and Shoaiby. Thank you for the feedback.

waqas younus paracha said...

its just a treat to see the big guy run...its just the run up and the delivery 1 can beat that...this delivery reminds me as my friends Wasif ahmed and Hassan mehmood put it the shades of the same delivery in which he rooted pontings stump in the series downunder...

Kimi said...

Freakingly insane, the best orchestra. balls repeatedly knocking over timber. Good enough to give me goosebumps. Epic stuff.
Thanks for sharing and spot on with your post!

ShahRrukh said...

Brilliant - just awesome piece - truly the best articulation that could ever describe a bowler, a fanatic fast bowler like Shoaib - Thumbs Up(Y)

After ur topnotch article on amir and shoaib - i am desperately waiting for such blog on Lala too, with image of Lala holding the WC'11 trophy, InshaAllah :-D

Masuud said...

WYP - You're quite spot on. The only difference I see in Ponting's and Mahela's was the pace at which he got it to jag back. Perfect length and masterful accuracy. I sent Hasan the link of this last night since I know he's a big fan of Shoaib :)

Kimi - Thanks for the feedback, couldn't agree more.

Shahrukh - Cheers buddy, such words mean a truckload. And yea, will definitely one day get myself to do a Lala dedication too; its just too heavy and seemingly impossible to gather myself for him, haha.

Imran said...

Masood, what a piece and of course it should be indulged in!! I owe you a dinner whenever you come to Lahore! Imran Abbas Lalika.

Zãßÿ•-)•–––– said...

AMAZING Writeup dude, exciting and orgasmic.My goosebumps would have ripped out of my body if i didn't take time to drink water.

cheers keep it up.. too fucking good!

Rayhan said...

Great Work Massuud bhai.
loved it.

Shahid Saeed said...

What a befitting tribute on his last hurrah. The silence of the crowd as Tendulkar was bowled, I always love to listen since it is the perfect reminder of what Akhtar can do and has done at times.

Seeing this short interview (, the third question especially, I was kinda emotional and after reading this, I had wet eyes. Great work Masuud.

ShitBoy Factor said...

Useless arrogant self infatuated bowler. Not a team player, over the hill, overweight and over rated.

People who like Actor are not fans of the game and, like their hero have a very limited understanding of the subtle beautiful nuances of it. Probably only started watching since the speed gun was invented! These are the kind of vacuous insipid and terribly shallow people who probably list Paris Hilton as one of their idols as well.

wasii said...

Good Job Bud! Raging Bull thats what he is and that too with hell of a genitalia. U shud also include his over to ponting when he kept shoving all that obscenity straight into punter's earhole with his 100mph whisperers.

Naukhaiz said...

A true master, thats you!
What an orgasmic use of words

Saim Atiq said...

He gets better everytime .. thanks for sharing such great moments.

Maddy said...

love it 1

Masuud said...

Zãßÿ•-)•––––, Rayhan, Naukhaiz, Saim, Maddy - Thanks a bunch for such a feedback, means a lot :)

Shahid - Very true about the SRT dismissal. Probably the best one will always remember Shoaib with. And thanks for sharing the interview (loved his answers) and for the feedback.

Wasii - I guess you're referring to his over in Perth '99 to Ponting which Langer rated as the fastest over in test history according to him. I do have a video of it par I plan to put it in a post I wish to do when he retires. Thanks for your input though :)

Masuud said...

ShitBoy Factor - It would have pretty okayish of you if you had limited your comment to Shoaib only and your perception of him, par then I guess its your monthly time that makes you generalize his fans, which I hate to break it you, are a bit beyond your definition and belong to old school cricket and 80s-90s, along with the last decades ones.
Its alright, maybe you could do with some clips of Abey Kuruvilla or give a head after a home video of Alex Tudor. Thanks for passing by though, we all need a party spoiler once in a while

Riz.. said...

I don't know how to put in words that how brilliantly this post has been written by you. While reading every word, there's a picture of Shoaib running in my mind saying "Fuck ya bitches, i'm here to tear you off" and then he pulls out his massive monster and throws a shot pitch to knock em' off. It was such a delight to read this. Man love you for this. Seriously i'm sure blog writers will have an orgasm while reading this. Dude as Shoaib is the best there is, was and will ever be. Same way you're his best and the greatest fan ever. Hats Off to you. I wish our Rawalpindi Express just knocks everything off that comes in his way this WC. and this express rightfully stops at its last destination as WC winner. INSHALLAH and AAMEEN.

talha hyder said...

14 years of international cricket and only 160 one days and 46 test matches to write on! if only he had played even half of the matches in all these years there would be so much more to get a cricket fan get enthralled and this blog would have never ended... loved this.. perfect for some one who goes to youtube to search 'shoaib akhtar'

i would alwatys wait a blog from u when he retires :)

Bilal Azmay said...

good one.... u missed the scar on ganguly's chest and the broken thumb of nasser hussain..... so many such miseries he has caused... Pakistan values its greats too less

Zeeshan Ahmed said...

Simply AWESOME Masuud bhai ! :) Loved it, totally loved. Only you can give a tribute like this, not a single soul other than you can infuse spirits like this ! I sincerely hope Shoaib bhai himself sees this :)

Keep rolling Cheetey ! :D


owais said...

i LOVe TO watCH hIM More THEn i enJOY to watch AUdrey Bitoni.. a POrn star :P he's my best daarling by faaar....

Shahid said...

Nice article. You seem like quite the deranged soul, quite the archetype of mania and crime. Just to let you know, there are others like you who celebrate the existential mass of Shoaib's bollocks and the pretty brunette locks of Sahibzada Khan. Your presence would be welcome here:

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Stani Army said...

Brilliant post and our thanks for the time and effort you put in to it.

We should be privileged to have witnessed a talent like Shoaib in our life time. We probably will not know it right now, if ever, but generations to come will look back on this time with envy.

...unless Pakistan produces another, that is.

Masuud said...

Riz, Talha, Zeeshan - Really appreciate your feedback, those words mean a lot. Cheers boys!

Bilal, Owais, Stani Army - Thanks for the feedback. Indeed an unsung great.

Shahid, yaboss - I'm in your hood now, homies.

MrPakistan Cricket said...

Awesome reading, well done, thanks for putting so much time and effort, looking forward to more from you.

tubzhoney said...

Read thru this article religiously and LOVED IT!! The words, the emotions; they're just so pure and true & the videos bring back so many wonderful memories. Hats off, it's really an awesome job. But it's so sad & ironic that u wrote it on the day after he played his final match in Pakistan colours.. *sigh* .. I guess all good things come to an end, but its definitely a fitting tribute for a cricketing legend.. maybe one not as big as Wasim Akram, but most definitely special in his own right. I can't wait to read part 2!

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What a befitting tribute on his last hurrah. The quiet of the group as Tendulkar was knocked down some pins, I generally love to tune in since it is the ideal indication of what Akhtar can do and has done now and again.
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