Fast bowling - of orgasms and its mega porn star

"A middle stump dismissal by Shoaib Akhtar is better than a hundred million orgasms you fake."

Yesterday, when Shoaib Akhtar got Mahela Jayawardene neck and crop sending back his middle stump with a high 80 miles in-dipper, something transpired in me. Now you would be thinking I will be simply saying I had an orgasm (going by the topic of this post) and taking the piss on me which I'd understand since it won't make much sense of me putting up such a cliche; so no, I won't say that. But what I will try to put through you is that something inside me got completed; as a cricket fanatic, as a fuckin' wannabee tearaway quick. That sight of the timber being knocked backwards wreaked a tense feel through my body's neuromuscular set-up that had parallels with the ones I've been blessed by watching the very man and the few other showmen over the years.

Much on the Rawalpindi express (who is in its archaic days, yet still got enough steam to do its designated stations) later in the post, let's get down to what exactly are we talking about. A fast bowling orgasm? Seriously, yes. Its neither your conventional cricket term nor for which you'll find a definition in MCC manuals, Wisden Almanacks or any cricket books. However, I'll try to put my peace of mind through here in the best way possible. 

Jarrod Kimber once gave a mighty fine description of what a female orgasm is like in cricketing sense or how it can be circumscribed in its proximal best with fast bowling. 

Jump straight to 03:43 in the video and concentrate till 05:21 (You really don't need to care about the rest of the video). And try to get what he's on about.

You get him? He talks about a feel, the very moment when everything related to is perfect. Get your cricketing grey cells switched on and you'll connect with whatever he said there.

If you're a fast bowler or anywhere close to its definition, you'll know what it is like to do your perfect delivery. Its a dream, a utopian one which you want to actuate in the match. You can do hours and hours in nets perfecting it but when the stage arrives to execute it, it needs way more than a bucket load of iron wits, venomous mastery and balls of steel. All that to bring about the phase where you feel your genitalia moving and when you're at the peak of delivery, you feel it and you know, its done. Once it gets absorbed, you get into one of the most sublime refractory periods experienced and you don't feel the need for more stimulation. It is the purpose of your life.

"It gets your blood going, the adrenaline is pumping, you're in a fight. To me that's what cricket is all about." - Shoaib Akhtar

Monstrosity

You can hoop a batsman around, play with his patience, off stump, footing and whatever your talent and art makes you conjure up. Do it with the new ball; seam it with lateral movement and get on with the conventional swing. Or with the old ball; cutters and reverse swing. But to come up with something like that, needs the beast within yourself to wake up. A raging bull is what you need to be, a hungry badgered monster and a gnawing bulldog - making every guide of brutality and pain proud.

In the words of James Hatfield, its about riding the lightning and as Kings of Leon put it, its sex on fire.

Yo bitches, I got my own swagger

And who better to make you realize all this than the genetically modified beast that is the eternal comeback king - Shoaib Akhtar. The sweat pig who keeps pounding on the batsman with perennial zest, taking him to full throttle or bending him and doing it hard. That's what embodies belligerently hardcore fast bowling. And you either man the fuck up or go home. Monstrosity.

He is all about being the cocky show-stopper, enough to have your box office tickets bloody well worth.

Royal Rumble - Come to mama!

For me, he will remain the ultimate porn star of this game. Right from his first appearance in late 97' till today, it is almost 14 years of non-fizzling pop and incessant fetish for him. Be it him thundering batsmen with 100 mph grenades, pulverize their heads, bodies and toes or being caught up in off-field gags, he epitomizes the rebellion and the violent child in each of us. He signifies freedom, defies norms and has been (or maybe forced to be) the ideal societal outcast. Akhtar is the wounded being who has had more comebacks in his career than seen in any of the WWE 90s classic summer-slams.

Apart from this being his last World Cup, it may very well be his last ODI series; hence a swan song worth living through. This is to the 35 year old superhuman amalgamated with the hyper-extensive anatomy, plethora of controversies and endless medical anecdotes for some of the visceral fast bowling orgasms that he has made the world experience over a decade and a half.

I may not do full justice here but some of the selections are as dear as anything in cricket for me and are at times, the best remedy for depression (also if wasting nights for these YouTube clips, saving photos on your hard drive, air-bowling in his style and then doing it in nets can be termed as part of being a fan). Note that this can hardly be called a tribute of any form to this enigmatic specie of world cricket. And for an intimate piece of writing that could be honest to him, one would need to do countless nights and eat up all the light years. Also, here its more of a focus on the mastery and art that he has displayed over the years rather than the morbid missiles which knock the face off his preys and have them bleeding. Yes, shattered timbers and the sight which a fast bowling addict dies for, is what we'll concentrate and waste ourselves here on.

The show stopping montage by the beast

My top 5 picks are Sachin 99', Ponting 02', Kallis 03', Trott 10' and yesterday's Mahela. And I proudly call this the Hall of shame. All have either their middle stump pinged back or lying on the floor. Above all, the first 3 are undoubtedly the greatest batters of their era with the other two being world-class performers too.

Special mentions to Boucher 98', Laxman 99' & 04', Steve Waugh 99', Flintoff 05', Dravid's 07'.

Let's get wasted!

I. Rahul Dravid's leg stump and Sachin Tendulkar's middle, Kolkata '99

First ball, base of middle stump, culminating in the first and the only golden duck of Sachin. The deafening welcome and the bullring noise of Calcutta turned into the endless moments of pin-drop silence. The birth of Shoaib Akhtar.

This is where it all started, in actuality. A hot blistering day, with India in charge at 147-1, he came up with arguably two of the greatest consecutive deliveries bowled in the game's history. As much as the banana-shaped one which got Dravid is an eternal ripper, the one to the batting god of his time is which basically has all this talk based on and which initiated a love story so passionate that even God hasn't had enough of it after more than a decade of break ups, fuckalls, disasters and whatever tragedy you can associate it with.

II. Jacques Kallis, Faisalabad '03

Four years later in October heat of 2003, he gave the doze to another great of his era, bending the white ball with divine touch, brutal force and classic execution.

III. Ponting knocked over by a rippa! - Melbourne (Docklands) '02

Don't want to spoil this for you since Bill Lawry's reaction should be enough. This man was at his prime then, nothing was impossible for him. Ended up with 5-25 in one of the best ever spells seen in modern ODI history.

IV. Jonathan Trott, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '10

If his latest comeback could be summarized in any better dismissal than this, do let me know since this is where he personified what his post June-2010 resurgence has been all about. Playing in 18 ODIs (and counting) and more than a dozen T20s, all without breaking down; with a stamping attitude of a shrewd fox and a senior statesman of the team. Stats may not do full justice to this return in the colored flannels but plays like this scream of his box office aura that is still there.

V. Mahela Jayawardene, Colombo '11

This just happened yesterday, so it couldn't be anymore fresh than this. This was special, really was.

Picture this - Brought back in his 2nd spell in need of a desperate breakthrough with two of the world's best batsmen at the crease (Mahela & Sangakkara), he produces a masterclass. Sets him up with a slower cutter, then a bouncer outside off, then this length in-dipper. Perfect foreplay and immaculate execution. Talk about telling who still is the boss out there.

- Rahul Dravid, Delhi '07

In the fading end of his test career and his last series vs India in 2007-08 season, he once again produced a corker. Pitching on length around off, jagging back and getting through the gate of arguably the best copy-book batsman of his era, Rahul Dravid The Wall. Though it didn't exactly knock back the middle stump, however the mastery of his producing it with the end result makes it worth to remember.

And the rest are all yours (Tried putting them in order of his career timeline).

- First 5 wicket haul (4 bowled, 1 LBW) at Durban, '98. Boucher one is special. 'Nuff said.

- VVS Laxman, Kolkata '99

- Russel Arnold, Dhaka '99

- Steve Waugh, Headingley WC '99

- Stephen Fleming, Old Trafford WC '99

- Nathan Astle, Old Trafford WC '99

- 6-11 against New Zealand, Lahore '02

5 clean bowleds. Richardson, Fleming and Martin with middle stump uprooted, Harris and Horne with their off stump done with. Does it get any more breath-taking than this?

- Adam Gilchrist, Colombo '02

- Mark Boucher, Faisalabad '03

- Mark Boucher, Lahore '03

- Virender Sehwag, Rawalpindi '04

- VVS Laxman, Lahore '04

- Marcus Trescothick, Faisalabad '05

- Freddie Flintoff, Faisalabad '05

- Ashley Giles, Multan '05

- Marcus Trescothick, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '06

- Darren Gough, Lord's '06

And what would this post mean without few of his stills.

Sachin, Kolkata '99 - The ultimate frame Hallelujah! The Chosen One World Cup 1999 - The Showman setting the biggest stage alight

Cleaning up Astle at Old Trafford WC '99 - Dead and buried

Merciless and hardcore brutal. Kallis being rooted out - Faisalabad '03 I do you in your hood - Showing Hayden where to go (Perth, Dec '03) Ripping Sehwag's defense apart at Rawalpindi, '04 Laxman, Rawalpindi '04 - Middle to be seen nowhere. Breakneck stuff.

In between all this, just a small matter off crossing the 100 mph barrier. Did it more than once.

Trescothick, Faisalabad '05 - Too good, mate. Just bloody too good.

Flintoff, Faisalabad '05 - Absolute peach. Stumps flying.  What a fuckin' sight! Ah well. just routine destruction vigil - Giles, Multan 05'

Speeding more than light The very first ball of the match. Gets Trescothick with an inswinging yorker at Rose Bowl '06 Dalaymple, Cardiff '06 - With arms wide open. Another photographer delight. This time Goughy - Lord's '06 The exocet that brought down The Wall - Delhi '07 And then on his recent and possibly final comeback.. Inswinging yorker to Trott under lights, amidst a spell in which he did 8 consecutive overs. I was right there in the West stand. Dream come true watching him do it at Brit Oval, Sept '10 Say who's the boss? Dose repeated. Doing Trott again, this time at Southampton '10 Imma gonna rip your fuckin' balls off! Scotty gets a reminder you got to treat the boss with respect - Eden Park, Dec '10 Jayawardene, Colombo '11 - Come with my gun smokin', you can smell death Yo! Look at me, and tell me ain't I still the daddy? And then he keeps doing this even at almost 36 years of age (Though there's the word of the speed gun going bonkers but whatever the fuck, ya'll know he's capable of pulling this off) p.s. This imbecile blog owes its conception and existence to this very theme/topic and considers Shoaib Akhtar to be the godfather of all bloody badass motherfuckers in the world of cricket. Some day when this monster decides to call it a day, this web space may also breathe its last. And even if it won't, it will always take special honor to have anything worthy related to Akhtar out here. Long live, this holy son of Morgah. p.s. II. Since this post has had an overwhelming response in the first 24 hours of its being up, I would like to link up this brief video shot by me at The Brit Oval, last summer when he bowled a fitness-proving spell of 8 overs on the trot, just to give a bit of more eye-candy to all fellow Shoaiby maniacs. It was some experience to see him run in relentlessly, most probably the last time I may have ever seen him live.

For Everything, There is Younis Khan

If you had the chance to pick only one gladiator to battle for you in the bull ring, you will have to pick him. If you had to name only one assassin to do the job for you and that too with a smile, you will pay for him. If you had to seek an epitome of fighting dignity for yourself and your countrymen, you will analyze only his persona. If you had to teach sportsmanship to kids of a game called cricket and its tormented gentleman's essence, you will request him to do it. Because, for everything there is Younis Khan.

His legacy

He may not be the classic copy-book batsman out there nor the most explosive of the belligerent hitters in the game, yet there is something uncanny about him that makes him a must in the present day cricket. Probably, its the aura of calmness he oozes in nerve-wrecking scenarios and the warm feel that you get from watching him do his thing as if you are being given vicks vapors. Probably, its the controlled passion he displays with a pint of bravado in his glass that he has to offer to you. Probably, its the fire he possesses in his belly, being the Pathan he is, which amazingly does not go untrammeled even in the grandest of hippodromes.

All his cricketing credentials aside, the man carries a million dollar smile which he entertains amidst every trauma he goes through and no matter how life pushes him to the corner. Be it a personal tragedy of losing his father in middle of a tour or the death of Bob Woolmer, who he deemed as his father figure and who used to call Younis his third son, that smile hardly broke; and even when he had been left all alone by his own team mates who conspired against him and when his own countrymen started labeling him as a confused individual just because he always wore his heart on his sleeve, the smile was still there. Though he did accept in middle of the mayhem happening with and around him that he had to stop smiling yet it was always visible, even if it was a bit subdued.



You can bet all your money on this that if it had been someone else but Younis Khan, all his principles and  decorum would have fallen off and accepted defeat, compromised to bowing in front of his nincompoop masters and gotten back in the arena but not him. All through his vigil of observing his plotters get back, he remained steady as a hawk and kept that chin up, and ultimately got back to do what he does best. For he is the man  possessed, he is the one for the moment.

A modern day great?

Pundits will tell you his cricketing achievements have been understated, since his records and stats give enough evidence that he deserves to be enumerated as one of the  current giants of the game. Take any format of the game and he is up there with the bests, be it in the stats or as a leader. Here, we try dissecting his career and ascertain his significance in the game.

Most definitely his greatest feat in cricket career would remain captaining Pakistan to the T20 World Cup win in England in the summer of 2009 when his boys roared as the famous cornered tigers. A triumph that had a stark similarity to the country's other successful global prize campaign, the World Cup win of 1992, and one in which he gave the world the most famous quote of that format when he termed it as fun and associated it with WWE. At that lifetime conjuncture, he decided to give up his boots in that format so that new blood could be inducted. This was to be the threshold of his greatness which has always been coupled with absolute humility.

Statistical study of his career

10 years is a good enough period to scrutinize a cricketer's career and his standing in the game. Younis Khan, to-date, has played 64 test matches, 207 One Day Internationals and 22 T20s. He has captained his national team in all three formats and won a world title in the T20 format from which he has gracefully retired.

Test Match Genius

We look into his test match credentials and try to figure why he should be acknowledged as a modern day champion in the most important version of the game.

•  He is one of the top 10 current batsmen in the game who average 50 plus in test matches, and has an equally good home and away record.

• He is only one of the 4 current players in the game with a triple century to boost against his name.

• In test matches that Pakistan has won and drawn (39/64), he averages a whooping 66.12 with 13 of his 17 centuries coming in them. And that average increases to 68 in test matches that Pakistan has won.

• In his last 31 matches, he has averaged an amazing 65.47 with 11 centuries.

• And here is the most significant stat as go his test match credentials. He is the modern day best when it matters the most, technically and impact-wise, in the 5 day contest; when it has counted the most, he has graced the occasion with his quality and brilliance.

He has a stunning average of 62.0 in the 4th innings, which places him in the top 5 of all-time, with only Michael Hussey accompanying him in the top 10. That list has the present day giants such as Sachin Tendulkar at no. 52 (average of 38.77), Rahul Dravid at no. 35 (average of 42.78) and Mohammad Yousuf at no. 34 (average 43.00). Only Ricky Ponting and Graeme Smith average above 50 out of the current players.

In the same statistical analysis, he also has the most number of hundreds, i.e. 4 (matched by Ponting and Sarwan). Out of those 4 hundreds, 3 have resulted in saving the match for Pakistan, and what better than the latest titanic effort of his against the Proteas.

• Now let's look at his numbers against the top 5 ranked teams in the world.

He averages 88.06 against India which places him 3rd in the game's history with players scoring 1000 or above runs against them. Also, is no. 2 in all-time list of scoring maximum runs in a test match versus India.

Against South Africa his average is 52.57, versus Sri Lanka its 51.24, against England its 45.46 and its 31.83 against Australia. So barring Oz against whom he's played only 6 tests (the lowest among his matches against these top 5), his stats are world class and comparable to any modern great.

A serious force in ODI business

As goes his playing style, he is one of the rare conventional batsmen in the modern game. For most of them, ODIs may not be the specialization anymore but for him its a challenge he takes up and is  as good as anyone when the chips are down and you need someone to lead you from the front.

• While chasing and Pakistan winning, he averages a brilliant 43.75. When Pakistan has won batting first, he averages 39.06. Both stats are a mile away from his career average of 32.48, and clearly show he is a  major influence whenever Pakistan wins ODIs.

• All his 6 ODI hundreds have been matchwinners and include 3 modern one day cricket masterclasses while chasing, 2 against India (Mohali & Karachi) and one against England.

• When he has not compiled a century while chasing, he has come up with gems in low scoring games and been the man of the Match, such as the one against Australia in Melbourne (Docklands), June 2002 and India in Abu Dhabi, April 2006. Then, his recent fabulous effort versus South Africa is a clear vindication of him being one of the best chasers in the game.

The Comeback King

If you have followed him in his career to any considerable extent, you would know he deserves this accolade as much as anyone else out there in the game. Here we look at 2 of the most memorable Younis Khan moments.

• Kitply Cup in Bangladesh (2008) - He had bagged consecutive ducks in the league games against India and Bangladesh and was under immense pressure either to perform or to give away his place, he came up with the goods in the big game, the final versus India, and was deservedly the MOTM.

• 1st Test match vs South Africa, Dubai 2010 - Being kept out of the test team for the last 16 months by the lunatic Ijaz Butt and putting up against the shoddy politics engulfing him, Younis showed the world what it was missing. A herculean 4th innings hundred against arguably the best test bowling attack of the world enabling Pakistan a draw against all odds. In context of the state of Pakistan cricket and his own personal traumatic experiences, it was surely the return of the king.

Cometh the hour, Cometh the man

Mohammad Younis Khan may not end up as your lifetime hero nor your stereotypical great cricketer but trust him to be your savior when you will turn your back to everyone you counted on because they just could not handle the pressure of the coliseum and wilted away. He will be the braveheart who is going to never compromise on his values and will put a fight for your freedom and your country at any price. He will remain the juggler amongst the clowns in the circus of world cricket. He will still be the working-class man who goes home every night smiling happily with his day's work no matter what paltry wage he gets. He will be your punchbag absorbing your frustrations when you need to vent them out. He will be whatever you will crave for, because for everything, there is Younis Khan.

He will forever be the last man standing!

Younis Khan zindabad!

- This post was first published here at Clear Cricket.