Sunday, January 23, 2011

One for the motherfuckin' fixer

Smell it, bitch! What you gonna do when they come for you?
Mazhar Majeed,

Hope this one finds your godzillish dick face in the most demented of its shapes and with you bleeding through random paper-cuts of your last night's overdosing on ganja. All this may make you feel as a valuable subject, but swear by your mum's noxious womb, it goes a bit beyond it.

Let's start this with what we know about you: A high quality penny pincher, a fuckin' crumudgen and an obsessive lunatic scrooge.  To cap it off, you are one moronic abhorrent piece of cunt. You are the classic example of the suffocating sickness that prevails in the psychologically distraught ends of any society. Here in your case, its a merger of two massively polarized societies and that is what makes you such an interesting subject. Wonder how much stakes of Faisalabad's morality would have gone down with your unearthing by NOTW and how much Surrey, its council and its people would like to vehemently disown and  then lynch you in the car porch of your 1.8 million £ mansion. Who you are, what you do, almost everyone who knows a bit about cricket is aware of. So lets make this clear - you are an acclaimed human shame, neuropsychiatric phenomenon and yes, a bull-massive dickhead.

Now let's get down to the thrust of this tribute. Well, its pretty simple. Apart of it being a hateful vociferation of the syphilitic madarchod you are (for reasons apparent and understandable to any Pakistani or a cricket follower), this is a supportive gesture for the one man who you loathe and who Pakistanis and countless non-Pakistanis love to death: Shahid Khan Afridi.

You know the last few days have been enough to give an Afridi loyalist or a Pakistani cricket fanatic a mental seizure, mainly due to the word doing rounds of he being replaced just on the brink of the World Cup due in few days. And then the immense fuckall show by the boys in the 1st ODI against New Zealand compounded it a bit more. Hence, just when we thought lady luck and mr. karma were doing their most intimate orgy of bending Pakistan cricket over and fucking it for the upteenth time, you came to the party.

Just recently, you started tweeting at @Mazhar0000 (verified through credible sources) and amidst your footy club tweets, you came up with couple of tweets that were belching with vitriol and toxic. The "do not trust afridi" hit me, or let's say, hit many folks real hard. You should know why. Mainly because that man symbolizes us. He and his cricket are the microcosm of his nation and its people. His colossal fuckups epitomize their failures and his "I'll fuck your brains tonight if I'm in mood" successes remind everyone what they are made of. And just because amidst every disaster there still remains hope, resilience and the ever-present will to survive, we know Afridi is Pakistan.

So enlighten us, did an anaconda sized dick triggered such an impulsive gag reflex in you? Or because he has always wore his heart on his fuckin' sleeve? Or maybe he was the initial whistle-blower who pointed out to the team management of you screwing up his crooked boys before leaving for Pakistan after the Australia tests? Or perhaps because you just couldn't lock in the proud pathan?

Honestly speaking, I don't give a flying fuck if you go on buying the rogue bastards as long as they are exposed and you get your due share behind the bars. I don't care how you malign the image of the race or religion you belong to. Also, whatever be your sinful fetish be, it wouldn't appeal much. But maybe, I give a thought about the ones which you call family. Yes its time to get a bit personal now, you son of a bitch.

I feel your Indian missus must be tired of the ritual of walking up to the mirror every morning and slapping herself at least 20 times before her reflection laughs and pisses on her miserable face for having swallowed your filthy sediment cum the previous night. And I assume, by now she would have adapted fully to cursing her fate of marrying a mentally-inferior swine who utilizes her as a commercial latch and who isn't man enough to stand up to the fuckups he was caught up in. Here's an almighty tease: Ever wondered how bloody unholy the daily fucks would be which she burns with when your fart frosted hairy micro-penis penetrates her corrupt labials?
I feel sorry for her.

Maybe, your two young daughters will get reminded in a blissful manner on their first menopause that their father is a rotten vaginal scum whose sexual organ disintegrated belligerently in shape and size by the time they were conceived and whose human principles never existed. They will throw up on the thought of you being that motherfuckin' whore who, even on having iron nibs in his anus whilst doing illegal money-mongering and scams, had the rusty guts to preach his fuckin' corrupted morals to them. And one day, when they'll beg to God (which ever you have taught them to pray) for mercy on you, with the foremost plea being this:

Dear God, bless daddy with the path to righteousness. Show him the track that leads to chastity, not fuckin' disgrace. Save him from the painful weight of the countless sins that he has committed all his life, be it shagging binged women (we have a feel he did his mother too), selling his country(men), being the deceptive fucktard et al. Amen.

One day it is going to be like that.

And maybe one day, just maybe, you'll get blown up into smithereens in Croydon or at your Blue Sky office (or wherever the fuck you be), courtesy of an electrical short circuit or probably a cricket frenzy suicide bomber or preferably an Afridi-powered nuclear missile. So till the day you die fuckin' slow - with the hope that your arteries sneak out and piss all over the floor, and your spleen sliced into a zillion chunks - you'll remain a prodigious human humiliation. And here's to you.

Fuck you.

- If you enjoyed this loving gesture, here's a good read by Jrod on Majeed's fixing twitter.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Best of 2010 - The year that was

I know its a bit dilatory to come up with something related to 2010 with the first week of new year already done but I guess I had to. Call it a formality or an urge to talk on it, I've picked 10 individual performances which stood out to me, along with couple of special ones which I watched live from the stands. England may have been the best team in all formats overall and India touching new heights in test cricket, but there is an arguable case of this year being one which had some of the most memorable individual spectacles witnessed in the current era of the game.

Personally speaking, it was a massive year in which I followed the game like a nutcase; probably the grand English summer had to do with it and attending games of England-Australia and then the ones having Pakistan with the two. Pardon me if I miss out any of your favorite ones in the following selection and I know there have been quite a few I have, but I focused more on the ones which had resounding impacts on the specific match and more imperatively, a follower's memory. Please note I haven't put these in any specific ranking, just tried prioritizing them on certain basis (with me being Pakistani, one; a self-confessed Indian cricket fan, two; and the rest of the lousy cricket world, being the third).

The beast of the year

VVS Laxman, 73* - Mohali, October 2010

There are steel nerves and then there are nerves of VVS Laxman.
Punter: Dang mate, this VVS chap slices my balls every time
India were 124/8, chasing 216 on a 4th innings disoriented track against an Australian team hellbent on proving points, he played one of the best ever test innings one could witness under pressure - Methodological, temperamental and artistic. And all this with a troubled back, with a runner in most of his innings. 73 may not sound much on a casual read but the monumental impact it had was only possible if you were watching it live, and rightfully he has been praised for this gem. Also proved why he has been a more major Aussie nemesis than any other contemporary cricketer.

Over the course of the year, he played 3 more humongous knocks- 103* against Sri Lanka at P Sara Columbo which enabled India to level the series, 91 versus New Zealand at Ahmedabad when India were in tatters at 15/5 in their 2nd innings and facing an unexpected knock out, and a truly masterful performance at Durban vs South Africa which enabled India to level a test series for the very first time in South Africa. Some people may rate his 103* versus SL as his better effort than the one against Australia, but as go personal picks and watching, the latter does it for me. He surely is one of my favorite cricketers and is probably one of the most unsung heroes of world cricket at present. Take a bow, Very Very Special Laxman.

Impossible is nothing

Abdul Razzaq, 109* off 72 - Abu Dhabi, 31 October 2010

There are days when you watch cricket and know some things are theoretically impossible to achieve. And then you realize there are monsters like Abdul Razzaq who make that inconceivable a joke. Much has been said about this one innings, from it being an unimaginable orgy of power hitting to an outrageous game stealer and what not. Every word is true and every accolade deserving of more overwhelming connotations. He played as if he didn't have a pulse and gave you the feel that he was sleepwalking this, and you wouldn't have known it would end up being one of the greatesr innings while chasing a formidable target. It easily goes down as the ODI innings of the year and one of the best in memory of any cricket follower. Furthermore, it also stamped his authority as being one of the very best finishers in limited overs formats, with the stats and viewing over 13+ years being valid proofs.

31st October 2010 was the day Razzler became a cricket god.

The fast bowling orgasm of the season

Mohammad Aamir, 6-84 - Lord's, August 2010

The overwhelming beauty and the holy essence of this spell still is encrypted in the minds of those who were blown away by this kid. The surreal state it left all who witnessed it live is not possible to jot down in mere words. He played god with the cherry that morning, shaping it like a banana both ways and acting as an artist painting a masterpiece in one-go. In space of 8 deliveries, he sliced the English top order in a manner rarely seen in modern cricket. The events that folded afterwards overshadowed his magic, yet this is a memory that will be cherished forever.

The daddy of WTFs

Michael Hussey, 134* - Sydney, January 2010

Imma gonna snatch the candy from yo mama!
You will follow this sports all your life and even your best bets could vary, and you wouldn't witness such a stunning performance being pulled off once every second day. It was a one-man show of the grandest artistry and courage, aided by the appalling Yousuf & co and a defiant tail. From a dead-and-buried position he mastered Australia to a formidable score, which proved too much for the shattered opposition.

Suffice to say, he was most influential in inflicting one of the most forgettable test match defeats to Pakistan and the day itself went down as an apocalyptic one in Pakistan's history.

The Ultimate ODI innings

Sachin Tendulkar, 200* off 147 - 24 February 2010, Gwalior

You know this was scripted somewhere in the heavens. The man who holds almost every batting record in the game had to do this and he did it with some style. Words would fail here but it should suffice to say it was the batting god at his divine best. He played only 2 ODIs in the year and to think he accomplished this humongous feat in one of them is no less than mind-numbing.


Shahid Afridi, 109 off 76 - Colombo, 15 June 2010

There are very few individual performances in cricket which can be separated strikingly from those of the rest playing the very same match. Add to it, the intense humidity of a Colombo summer evening, limping and dehydrated actor, and you may picture this phenomenal Afridi-ish innings. It was evident he was on an entirely different plain, with the rest of his teammates falling like ninepins on the other. In one specific delivery of Muralitharan the whole innings was summed up, when he danced down the track and lifted him over the sight screen and then fell flat on the pitch grimacing with pain due to cramps and backache. He couldn't finish the game off, yet this very knock has to go down as one of the best he ever played.

Classic robbery in broad daylight

It was Sydney 2010 all over again - same teams and the same candy snatcher. It was an absconding and heart shattering show. In matter of few minutes, he mercilessly stole smiles from millions of delirious and frantic souls of one part of the world only to gift them to his countrymen. Even by T20's freakiest barometer, this stunner was off it. Even a richter scale would have found it tough to measure its impact.

This damned streak will forever haunt and resonate in the minds of any Pakistani cricket follower - 4, 0, 6, 6, 4, 6.. Game over. It was book cricket scoring. Period.

McScoops service for the fastest T20 hundred

Brendon McCullum, 116* off 56 - Christchurch, 28 February 2010

This was the innings and the day by the end of which the cricket world would have said it has seen it all when there is talk about inventive shot-making. It sure felt like that. This innings can only be gauged by the mesmerizing and carnage McCullum wreaked, constantly paddle sweeping Tait at 150+ kph, scooping Nannes on one knee, slog sweeping almost all the Aussie attack into the stands; and last but not the least, kept unleashing an orthodox power hitting avalanche with constant ease and brutality. It got its due share when it won the ICC T20 performance of the year award (well almost: Attention mr. Hussey).

Comeback of the year

Younis Khan, 131* - Dubai, November 2010

Take that, bitches - A personal favorite, the man and the innings.
He was returning to the test arena after 16 months, amidst the moronic circus of Pakistan cricket and with all the traumas that  had engulfed him, and ended up doing a masterclass against arguably the best bowling attack in the world. It was an impeccable knock, contained with assurance and class that he embodies, and it enabled Pakistan to draw the test match. This small matter of a quality hundred cemented the fact of him being one of the best 4th innings players in the game's history. It was the return of Younis Khan and it was as resounding as it could be.

The Fuck-You performance

Mitchell Johnson, 9-82 & 62 - Perth, December 2010

A vintage rebuttal by the cricketer whose performances are classified as one of the most polarized in the game. Being ridiculed, bashed and clattered both, on-field and off-field, and then dropped for the previous test match, Mitch did a comeback display of titanic proportions. He blew England away at the most critical juncture of the series, first with a crucial late order half century and then producing one of the best fast bowling spells of the year post-lunch which was filled with breathtaking moments.

The best I saw live

Moggie, the finisher

Eoin Morgan, 103* off 85 balls -22 June 2010, Southampton

Being there witnessing it was an absolute pleasure. Those reverse sweeps are still afresh in the memory, and every bit of this innings is a bliss to behold. The mastery he demonstrated with the exemplary serenity and repose was a treat to watch, toying with the Aussie attack with ultimate ease. If Morgan was not recognized as a serious force in limited overs versions till then, and especially as a finisher, this high quality knock surfaced him in one of the best possible manners. From 97-4 to finishing it off with plenty of deliveries to spare, he was unstoppable.

The ultimate ODI spell

Pakistan was 0-2 down in the 5 game series and was cornered from all angles, both on-field and off-field. It was defending a modest ODI score of 241 and England were cruising at 201-5. Enters Umar Gul for his second spell. England lose their next 4 wickets for 3 runs in 3 overs of him, with him eventually ending up with a career best of 6-42. It was a sheer sensational display of fast bowling under lights. In both his spells he made the ball talk and sparked a turnaround of momentous proportions. What made it extra special was watching it live from the stands amidst massive tension and constant rounds between the Pakistani and English supporters (the spot fixing saga didn't help wee bit), and the scenario of Pakistan being nowhere in the series till then. It was Gull-dozing at its ultimate best.

- This post was first published here at Clear Cricket.

- McCullum's innings added after @Mykuhl input on it and my memory lapse/cricket overdose.